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1stxstarxixsee

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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2005|11:47 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
[music |O.A.R.]

Got in a huge fight with Nick two days ago.

Still angry with him.

Hope his birthday is just fantastic. (It's on Monday. He will be 18.)

I've been crying in school for the past two days because of it.

An example of what he said:

"You're a good for nothing, no talent, fat ugly dyke."
"You're a fucking bitch."
"You're a slut."

This is not an infrequent experience of mine. It has happened more often recently though, and I'm sick of being abused like that and having my parents do nothing about it. When your kid becomes that much of a prick, that's called BAD PARENTING.

He has since apologized, but he doesn't mean it. That is what happens every single time he does this. He says hateful things, apologizes the next day, and expects me to forgive him. And this time I'm not going to.

Chris asked me what was wrong yesterday, and I started crying so he said I didn't have to tell him and he gave me a hug. Dani then took me out to her car to listen to an AMAZING song. It's by Streetlight Manifesto, and is officially one of my favorite songs now.

Today I finally gave Chris an idea of what happened at home, and what Nick said to me. Chris was quiet and he looked really surprised and a little bit sad and then he told me really quietly that none of that was true about me, and never could be true about me. He said "Crosby..You're a beautiful, beautiful girl. A beautiful girl." And I was like PSSSSHHHFFFFTT. No. And he just looked at me and told me that he was already late leaving for home, so he had to go, but he wanted to talk to me as soon as he could. He gave me a really big hug and told me that he loved me, then left.

Chris turns 18 in a week.

It kind of upsets me.

Tomorrow is the dance, I'm really excited. I'll have pictures up from it soon after!!

OH. We won our game tonight, of course. They purposely put us against an easy team in order to guarantee a win for our big game.

Oh well. It's still kind of nice, if you forget about the whole basically rigged part.

I love you all.
<3 The Bee.
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2005|02:21 am]
1stxstarxixsee
I don't really have a lot to say. I started going back to group after about a two month gap, I feel a lot better after going back though.

I've been fighting with my family a lot.

I had a Drama party that I went to earlier, it was SO fun. Chris looked beautiful, as usual. He dressed up as Billie Joe from Green Day. He had on a black dress shirt and black pants, a studded belt, a yellow tie, and eyeliner. He looked super super sexy with the eyeliner, and I told him I thought so. He just smiled and hugged me.

Central came to the party too, because they're our sister troupe. A lot of the freshman Central kids seemed like real douche bags, but the rest of them seemed a lot better. There was a really nice boy there, named Mika. He dressed like Kelly Osbourne with these massive horrendous fake breasts that cracked me up because he constantly readjusted them. It reminded me of what I have to do all the time. :) He ended up hitting on Chris almost as much as I do. It was pretty funny. I knew Mika was gay, but I still hit on him because he's just THAT cute. And I also hit on Chris, whom Mika hit on as well. And Chris..well, Chris hit on pretty much everybody. If you weren't really dancing, he would run up and grind up against you. It was great, he's so funny when he dances.

Anyways, I've been talking to Mika because I found him on Myspace. He's so hilarious and smart.

Well, I know I'm forgetting a lot of stuff, but I'm fucking tired.

<3 Crosby the raver.
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(no subject) [Oct. 5th, 2005|06:32 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
I have a Homecoming date!!

My friend Blake and I are going together; I'm so psyched.

That's all for now.

<3The Bee
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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2005|10:15 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
[mood |depressedfucking horrible]
[music |Jenny Lewis knows me really well.]

I'm sorry I'm hard to live with

Living is the problem for me.

 

I'm grounded for about a month.

No Homecoming or anything.

I have a lot going on right now.

I'm very close to just leaving.

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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2005|01:21 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
[mood |discontentI can't describe how I feel]
[music |Melee. Sleeping Through Autumn.]

I haven't been so miserable in a long time.

I'm really upset, because Sam's parents found out that I'm bi. From what I heard, Mrs. Galloway seemed really sad about it and just was crying a lot. I really love her, like another mom. And I know that she loved me too, and I get the feeling that after she found out that changed. But I'm still the same person--I've always been bi, although she hasn't always known it.

I've been thinking really hard. I was on the phone with my parents (who got home yesterday afternoon) and I was just talking to my dad and telling him I felt like shit. I told him that most of it was because Sam and I are going through a really hard time, and he said something that startled me. "Crosby--maybe you and Sam are growing apart. You started something big and new, and maybe you two are changing. Maybe you aren't even changing, you are just realizing that you aren't as similar as you thought you were. And that's okay, if it's meant to be. If you think you can get through it, then try as hard as you can. If you don't think it will pass, then let it go , move on, and be happy with what you had." It surprised me, that my dad could say something like that. And after Sam's mom questioned our friendship, I get the feeling that maybe something really is happening.

I don't really have any friends anymore. I love Amanda, but I don't think she loves me back. I don't want to put her through everything that I do, and I don't want her to feel like a backup friend. Because she's not. But if she feels that way, I don't want to put her through that. The friends I do have are older and leaving me soon.

I was talking to Rachel during practice a couple days ago, and she asked me what was wrong. I guess when I'm upset, everybody knows. And I told her that I was having problems with my friends and my family. I told her "I don't think my parents know what to do with me. I don't think anybody knows what to do with me anymore." And I started crying. Because it's true.

Kassandra and I ended up not going anywhere. The plans changed a whole bunch, ending in a night time picnic with a bunch of people at the park on Mexico Road. But since my parents weren't home, I couldn't go.

There's the extent of my shitty life I'm okay to share for now.
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(no subject) [Sep. 29th, 2005|04:38 pm]
1stxstarxixsee

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

Chris didn't come to practice today. He was at school, but he told everybody he felt too sick to come to practice--I think it's my fault.

I'm going out with Cassandra tomorrow to a haunted house; it should be really fun.

I hope I don't fuck it up like I do everything else.

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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2005|09:05 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
[mood |lonelylonely]

..Collapse )

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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2005|07:05 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
...You know that friend I posted about?

..I'm that friend.
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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2005|05:29 pm]
1stxstarxixsee

I

Give

Up.

I can't do this anymore.

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(no subject) [Sep. 27th, 2005|05:31 pm]
1stxstarxixsee
Write 20 facts about yourself. Note the number of minutes it takes you. Then tag that same number of people.
Time: 5:31 PM
1.)I was named after David Crosby. (Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. Anybody??)
2.)I currently have about four love interests.
3.)I am obsessive compulsive.
4.)Sometimes when I have a booger in my nose, I just get sick of it and pick it out. I don't eat it or anything, that's gross. I get it out, and then I wash my hands.
5.)I am paranoid that I am the smelly kid.
6.)I am determined to become vegetarian, but I need some more facts and stuff to convince my parents to let me.
7.)I really like cute socks, and I refuse to wear plain socks.
8.)I masturbate.
9.)I enjoy touching my boobs in the middle of class.
10.)I am addicted to Quaker Oats rice cakes.
11.)I want to be a folk singer. Or maybe just Jenny Lewis.
12.)Wearing cute underwear puts me in a good mood. Especially when it's NEW cute underwear.
13.)I very much enjoy drawing on myself with permanent marker.
14.)I freak out whenever I go out just looking normal, aka no makeup-less.
15.)RHPS turns me on.
16.)I woke up at 7 this morning, and was ready to go at 7:23. Showered, blow-dried, brushed, clean...everything.
17.)I think I have a date on Friday. Yes. A Date.
18.)I am very nit-picky about punctuation on the internet. Including AIM.
19.)I peed my pants in the third grade. I was wearing overalls that day.
20.)I don't know how to be a friend.
Time: 5:42 PM

Laura tagged me.
So I'm tagging all of you bitches. Kay?
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