||[Oct. 2nd, 2005|01:21 pm]
|||||I can't describe how I feel||]|
|||||Melee. Sleeping Through Autumn.||]|
I haven't been so miserable in a long time.
I'm really upset, because Sam's parents found out that I'm bi. From what I heard, Mrs. Galloway seemed really sad about it and just was crying a lot. I really love her, like another mom. And I know that she loved me too, and I get the feeling that after she found out that changed. But I'm still the same person--I've always been bi, although she hasn't always known it.
I've been thinking really hard. I was on the phone with my parents (who got home yesterday afternoon) and I was just talking to my dad and telling him I felt like shit. I told him that most of it was because Sam and I are going through a really hard time, and he said something that startled me. "Crosby--maybe you and Sam are growing apart. You started something big and new, and maybe you two are changing. Maybe you aren't even changing, you are just realizing that you aren't as similar as you thought you were. And that's okay, if it's meant to be. If you think you can get through it, then try as hard as you can. If you don't think it will pass, then let it go , move on, and be happy with what you had." It surprised me, that my dad could say something like that. And after Sam's mom questioned our friendship, I get the feeling that maybe something really is happening.
I don't really have any friends anymore. I love Amanda, but I don't think she loves me back. I don't want to put her through everything that I do, and I don't want her to feel like a backup friend. Because she's not. But if she feels that way, I don't want to put her through that. The friends I do have are older and leaving me soon.
I was talking to Rachel during practice a couple days ago, and she asked me what was wrong. I guess when I'm upset, everybody knows. And I told her that I was having problems with my friends and my family. I told her "I don't think my parents know what to do with me. I don't think anybody knows what to do with me anymore." And I started crying. Because it's true.
Kassandra and I ended up not going anywhere. The plans changed a whole bunch, ending in a night time picnic with a bunch of people at the park on Mexico Road. But since my parents weren't home, I couldn't go.
There's the extent of my shitty life I'm okay to share for now.